Couples

There will probably be a lot of advice on this blog about how to deal with couples. The psychologists among you will probably say that I, a single person, am jealous and unjust in considered many couples to be The Man or victims of The Man. While that may be true, you little Freud-lings out there can't deny that some pairs make it so easy. I admit, as a college student I probably experience a higher concentration of gag-causing couples, but everyone will know what I am talking about.

You know those couples that are physically attached? Those people who never seem to leave the other's presence and whose relationship seems like it might collapse if their hands stop touching for even a second? I am proposing that we, the valorous few who have realized The Man for who he is and have taken up the noble task of sticking it to him, become agents of awkwardness and split them up physically. Here's how to do it:

You're walking down a crowded street, smiling and nodding at everyone you pass, and you see one of these couples spreading their lovey-dovey gospel to all the unwilling men and women in their vicinity. Target in sight. Here's what you do. You make a beeline straight for them and then walk right between them. Before you do that, however, check for the following:

1. Wedding rings. Married couples have every right to hold hands in public as much as they want. If you so choose to target them it should not hurt them as much as couples of The Man, but since sexual promiscuity is one of the man's favorite things (look at Hollywood and all TV if you don't believe me), married couples are, in this regard, sticking it to The Man. Let them be.

2. How many other people are there on the sidewalk/path? The more obvious you are when enacting this split, the more dangerous it is. How big and angry-looking is this guy? Could that girl be carrying mace? I'll leave it to you to decide if you can pull this off with the current crowd. Perform at your own risk.

3. Fur. If you are in the woods, check that couple again. If they are covered in brown or black fur, then what you are looking at is a mother bear with her cub. I know the fact that she's standing on two legs fooled you for a moment, but trust me, you do NOT want to walk between this couple.

Once you have ascertained this knowledge, it is go time. You are a rampaging bull and that space between them (or lack thereof) is a matador's cape. I recommend doing your best to avoid physical contact as much as possible, but depending on the severity of their condition you may have to use brute force. Just think back to your days in elementary school playing Red Rover.

This is a just a band-aid on the gaping wound, I know. It does not solve anything, but it may jog them out of their thoughtless subservience of The Man. If the couple's relationship cannot survive your separation, good for you for ending it sooner rather than later. If they can make it, their relationship will be stronger after being tested in the fire of your Man-sticking exploits. Years from now, hopefully they will be married and talking over dinner with the Johnsons. "Remember that awful time we were separated for two whole seconds?" "Like it was yesterday. It was in those moments that I knew I never wanted to be separated from you again."

Happy splitting,

Hunter