Couples

There will probably be a lot of advice on this blog about how to deal with couples. The psychologists among you will probably say that I, a single person, am jealous and unjust in considered many couples to be The Man or victims of The Man. While that may be true, you little Freud-lings out there can't deny that some pairs make it so easy. I admit, as a college student I probably experience a higher concentration of gag-causing couples, but everyone will know what I am talking about.

You know those couples that are physically attached? Those people who never seem to leave the other's presence and whose relationship seems like it might collapse if their hands stop touching for even a second? I am proposing that we, the valorous few who have realized The Man for who he is and have taken up the noble task of sticking it to him, become agents of awkwardness and split them up physically. Here's how to do it:

You're walking down a crowded street, smiling and nodding at everyone you pass, and you see one of these couples spreading their lovey-dovey gospel to all the unwilling men and women in their vicinity. Target in sight. Here's what you do. You make a beeline straight for them and then walk right between them. Before you do that, however, check for the following:

1. Wedding rings. Married couples have every right to hold hands in public as much as they want. If you so choose to target them it should not hurt them as much as couples of The Man, but since sexual promiscuity is one of the man's favorite things (look at Hollywood and all TV if you don't believe me), married couples are, in this regard, sticking it to The Man. Let them be.

2. How many other people are there on the sidewalk/path? The more obvious you are when enacting this split, the more dangerous it is. How big and angry-looking is this guy? Could that girl be carrying mace? I'll leave it to you to decide if you can pull this off with the current crowd. Perform at your own risk.

3. Fur. If you are in the woods, check that couple again. If they are covered in brown or black fur, then what you are looking at is a mother bear with her cub. I know the fact that she's standing on two legs fooled you for a moment, but trust me, you do NOT want to walk between this couple.

Once you have ascertained this knowledge, it is go time. You are a rampaging bull and that space between them (or lack thereof) is a matador's cape. I recommend doing your best to avoid physical contact as much as possible, but depending on the severity of their condition you may have to use brute force. Just think back to your days in elementary school playing Red Rover.

This is a just a band-aid on the gaping wound, I know. It does not solve anything, but it may jog them out of their thoughtless subservience of The Man. If the couple's relationship cannot survive your separation, good for you for ending it sooner rather than later. If they can make it, their relationship will be stronger after being tested in the fire of your Man-sticking exploits. Years from now, hopefully they will be married and talking over dinner with the Johnsons. "Remember that awful time we were separated for two whole seconds?" "Like it was yesterday. It was in those moments that I knew I never wanted to be separated from you again."

Happy splitting,

Hunter

Endangered Animals

Do you ever see people wearing shirts or carrying signs or otherwise campaigning for the protection of some animal? Do you ever, like me, get annoyed by those people calling for stupid restrictions to protect these creatures?

Here's an example: I live on a lake in Florida, near Jacksonville. We have manatees, a protected animal, in the lake and the river to which it is connected, and several years ago the city increased restrictions on where boaters can drive their boats. Manatees are incredibly slow, fat, and stupid (in other words, they are a marine version of Europe's concept of the average American) and like to hang out in shallow water eating seagrass. Up until a few years ago, shallow areas were dubbed "manatee zones" and boaters had to keep their speed down so as not to wound them. Now, however, the manatee zones have increased in size. Not only does this create a narrow corridor in the lake where boats can still go fast, increasing the risk of collisions and accidents, but the dozens of new signs and buoys that mark the manatee zones are poorly-lit and dangerous at night. These are the kinds of lengths The Man is willing to go to in order to keep certain species on life support.

Now I will give you a satisfying response to these antics: ask them why it is so important to preserve the species. Sometimes there is a good reason, like the fact that this or that animal pollinates a plant that might cure cancer. But most of the time The Man's reply will boil down to one of two things: either they think it's cute or an entire miniature ecosystem will collapse if this animal dies out. When they give one of these answers, you have a choice.

If The Man gives you the former reaction, point out to them how truly useless the animal is. So far as I can tell, manatees really don't do all that much for the environment, much less for humankind (except freak out unwitting kayakers, but that's another story.) And I'm no expert, but last time I checked, pandas spend their time sitting and eating bamboo and sleeping. I know we're all concerned about China becoming overgrown with bamboo, but I'm pretty sure the Chinese government could save millions on the artificial insemination and just hire some experts to manage its growth. Either that or a few bulldozers might get the job done.

On the other hand, The Man may point out that if the three-toed sloth goes extinct, so does the unique mold that grows on its back and provides the only sustenance for a certain moth that is the only pollinator of the rarest orchid in the world. When he gives you this kind of response, use a similar strategy to the last paragraph: ask them why those other animals or plants are so important. Nine times out of ten, he will have no good answer.

Now don't get me wrong. I do not hate animals. I love them. But I hate it when The Man works to preserve an animal at great human cost. I do not endorse the clubbing of baby pandas, but it seems painfully silly to me that millions of dollars are spent on mating a species that is impotent even when given a cocktail of Viagra and Cialis. The majority of the world's population cannot afford the basic necessities of life and yet the wealth of nations is spent on getting a barren panda knocked up. If I am ever in a speed boat, I will not swerve to hit a manatee, but if I had to choose between hitting another boat or a skier and hitting a manatee, it'd be manatee every time.

Until next time,

Hunter

P.S. Also keep in mind that most of the proponents of these kinds of restrictions believe that humans and this animal both evolved from the same thing. When confronted by these nature-worshippers, ask them why we shouldn't destroy all useless species immediately since we are the most evolved and dominant species of the planet. Only some select religions have reasonable explanations for the responsibility of environmental stewardship, and Naturism is not one of them.

Introduction

Hey everyone:

I am starting this blog to combat a serious problem. Nobody seems to know who The Man is, or how to stick it to him! So I will use this post to answer the first question and then devote subsequent posts to listing the various ways that It can be stuck to The Man.

The term "The Man" arose in several counterculture and racial minority groups as a way to refer collectively to the people in charge (who were, and in most cases still are, white men in expensive suits.) The Man was the oppressor, the representative of all the men who frowned on alternative ways of life, especially not being white. Well, times have changed. Racial issues have yet to be fully resolved, but the virtuous, nice-smelling crusaders of Woodstock (guess which part of this sentence so far is sarcastic) have triumphed to some degree. Although shower-taking has, if anything, increased in popularity, drug use is rampant and sexual promiscuity is through the roof.

Sure, those things are still not accepted within the realm of politicians and business executives (except taking showers), but there is no doubt that very few of these people actually take a stand against them anymore. The balance of power has shifted, and now a new group must take the mantle of The Man: the media, the advertisers, and the movers and shakers of the world's culture. A similar thing happened in Russia when Marx wrote of the bourgeois and, just a few decades later, the country groaned under the rule of Stalin.

Now we have unmasked The Man. How are we to stick it to him? I will make one generalization and then give detailed explanations of different tactics we can put into effect. If there is one thing that has not changed about The Man it is that he is still usually quite affluent. But he also has a 2-year-old brat's tolerance for things not going just the way he likes it. Go online and look at any trailer for almost any blockbuster movie and vow never to act like the characters in it. Also note that the people who do act like that are most likely The Man themselves and an immediate attempt should be made to either save them from their plight or stick it to them if they are too far gone. This also goes for most of what you see on the news and any sitcom on television.

So stop listening to the so-called "counterculture" people. The culture is now going their way and it is no better than the last direction. The Man will fight back. He has considerable power to make life unpleasant, but we must be brave. We must be strong.

Godspeed,

Hunter

(P.S. Here's a mini-tip that I just used: mentioning God or Jesus in a way that makes it sound like you are a committed Christian really upsets The Man.)